Old Dogs made me feel funny.
I felt slightly nauseous as the credits began to roll. As I walked away, slightly unsteady on my feet, I was sure something had just happened but what exactly that was is still up for debate. Let's face it, I'm not the target audience for this film. I finished high school, have seen more than 4 films in my life and feel that Australia's Funniest Home Videos is not the highest point in comedy history. It's not a surprise I hated this but I didn't expect such a physical reaction to essentially such a harmless film.
One of the first jokes we get has Robin Williams kicking a soccer ball into a kid's head. I didn't laugh. From then on we get a cavalcade of scenes that are one step away from someone in the actual film screaming at you “HEY!! THIS IS FUNNY!!”. The sight of Robin Williams in speedos getting a spray tan is not something any human needs to see.
There is a plot in the film if you care to dig around but it is so unnecessary that the director actually seems disinterested in propelling the story forward most of the time and when it does get down to actual story movement it is cut so fast that you could take a few strategically timed toilet breaks while watching this and come through the other side thinking it was merely a film of random sketches.
We get inventive running jokes such as Williams and Travolta being mistaken as grandparents (yes we do get a pee in your pants gag), or the running joke where they get mistaken as a gay couple. One set piece has the longest 'hit in the balls' gag I have seen in years and another sequence contains Travolta and Bernie Mac controlling Williams like a puppet from another room. I actually had to watch the set up for this bit twice as I barely understood how it was even happening. On second viewing I realised the makers of the film didn't care as to how it actually worked. They seemed to just want to create a dancing montage and thought some weird robot controlled puppet device was explanation enough.
This is sad, lazy film making. Earlier in the week I described Alice In Wonderland as the McDonalds of film making. I apologise now for that comment because next to Old Dogs it looks like true art. Old Dogs is not the McDonalds of films exactly because that would be doing a disservice to McDonalds. Old Dogs is like a dodgy hot dog. Its full of random bits of anus and sawdust. Thrown together with no regard for anything or anyone other than making a few dollars. I'm saying this as someone who quite likes hot dogs too but this is the hot dog that has sat around for weeks and is suddenly discounted just to get it off the shelf. In fact this hot dog has been dropped on the ground and licked by a rabies infested dog that chose not to eat it. This analogy could go on quite a while so I should probably move on.
“If "Old Dogs" were a person, I would stab it in the face. Millions of years from now, after Western Civilization has fallen and the Earth has ruptured and cooled and been reborn and a new life form has taken over the planet, if any of them happen to stumble upon a working DVD player and a copy of "Old Dogs," they will sum up the passing of our culture with two simple words: "Good riddance."
While I don't have that level of anger towards the film I do feel a sense of depression when thinking about it. I don't think I would stab this person in the face but I would most certainly think about incarcerating them and feeding them bad hot dogs for a few years. There I go again with the hot dogs. Nothing good can come of this film. If you do see this film and if somehow you do kinda like it then please for the love of god do not mention anything to me. I can't be responsible for my actions.
Oh I nearly forgot, there is a gorilla in it... That is all...
This video sums the film up courtesy of Tim Heidecker and codyclarke;